i’ve moved. again. but this time, i didn’t bother to import my previous posts. i’m starting anew.
you can find me at white open space.

don’t kill me. this blog will serve as an archive what used to be my very angry life.

byebye.

I was paired with an old schoolmate, Melati, whom I lost contact with. And we were assigned to the Taniguchi family – foster mom, foster dad, Shota and Chika (and supposedly brother Aki, but he wasn’t around at all – studying, said foster mom).

For four days I spent time with them, sleeping in their praying area, having their fluffy gray cat sleep on my face, listening to the thunderstorm at night while the six of us watch TV, went bowling, rode cable cars, received yukatas very late into the summer, having meals with them — it was incredible.

And I really miss it.

My regrets were: not taking a purikura with Shota because the machine was broken and not writing to them after 7 years because I wasn’t confident at my command of Japanese.

But I will write a letter and send it out soon. The chances of them still staying at the same house is slim, but it’s worth a shot — if they’re not, the new occupants could forward the mail to them or just send it back to me.

I’m reading the journal I kept when I was on that trip. Not exactly the best of my writings, but I was just jotting down trip details. I got to the part where we left Kinkai-machi for Saikai-machi and stayed at a youth hostel on top of a mountain. It was the first time I got into a public bath with someone else.

Anyway, that’s not the point I’m trying to make so stop with the dirty thoughts. Host parents and Chika drove up to the mountain (Kinkai to Saikai was an hour’s drive, up the mountain was 45 minutes I think). Shota wasn’t there but he told his parents to pass Melati and me a phone card with his cell phone number and tell us to call him when we reached Tokyo. Shota was apparently trying not to cry when he sent us off at the community center back in Kinkai.

Aww.

We reached Tokyo, we went to Disneyland. After Disneyland, we called Shota. I told him what I did at Disneyland and then Melati took over. I regret not taking down his phone number though. For certain reasons.

Well. I’ll leave you with a few shots. A few photos from the 6 photo albums I came home with.

Host mom and Shota.

Host mom and Shota again.

THE LAST SUPPER! Me, Melati, Shota and Chika.

Before we left for the next town.

Pre-cable car ride.

The fat grey cat named Teru who likes to sleep on my face.

And that’s all I have for you tonight.

Just a small end note, if Shota Taniguchi from Nishisonogi-gun, Nagasaki-ken happens to Google his own name, please contact me. I miss you and your family a lot.

I just recently gave Tokio Hotel’s latest album, “Humanoid”, a little listen to and well, while I think they’re trying to do something different with this latest one, they still pretty much sound…the same? Only just a wee bit different.

And before I go on, I will just say – yes I do listen to Tokio Hotel and yes, I do enjoy some of their songs. Especially in their native language.

I’m listening to the album while I write this. From their previous releases – “Schrei”, “Zimmer 483″ and “Scream” – I am particularly fond of Zimmer 483. It’s their second German album and after Bill hits puberty so his voice doesn’t sound like an annoying 12 year old girl. In Humanoid, however, sometimes I get this vibe of a more subdued Metro Station and some attempts to sound like 30 Seconds to Mars with a dash of something that may or may not sound like New Order. Or Orgy. Or even Adam Lambert maybe.

I don’t know.

Whatever it is, I hear their attempts on trying on new styles compared to Scream and Zimmer 483. But as English isn’t really Bill’s strong point, so his lyrics don’t really sound THAT natural. Mainly he’s using simple, basic English to write the lyrics I suppose. The music to me sounds good. The lyrics, well, maybe it would sound better if there’s a German release of this album.

PLAY-BY-PLAY

1. Noise
This sounds very much like “Schrei”/”Scream”. Slower, less chaotic but the fact he repeats “Noise” multiple times in between sentences kind of reminds me of “Scream”.

2. Darkside of the Sun
This song, I admit, sounds decent. I like the beginning, I like the beat, and the lyrics isn’t that… ngeehhh.

3. Automatic
The most teeny pop on the album. Which somehow reminds me a lot of Metro Station for some reason.

4. World Behind My Wall
The way Bill sings it it’s like…an Olympic-ish song. I have this image of athletes running when I listen to this song, for some reason.

5. Humanoid
This track would be the closest they’ll get to sounding like they did in their previous albums. Humanoid is a cross of “Ich Brech Aus” (from Zimmer 483) and attempting to pull a 30 Seconds to Mars drumming — and not succeeding.

6. Forever Now
This song probably won’t stick in anyone’s mind, to be honest. There’s nothing about the music or the lyrics that catches a person’s attention really. Hell, I won’t even bother digging through and hear what it sounds like.

7. Pain of Love
I found myself singing along to the chorus to this song. That should count for something, I guess? Probably a good track to be all drunk and sing at the karaoke – ON YOUR KNEES. Because it’s so emo. Pain of love mah. ‘It hits you like hammer’ you know :p

8. Dogs Unleashed
I can’t help but think the beat sounds like New Order’s “Blue Monday”. Or at least the way Bill’s singing it. SERIOUSLY. Or maybe it’s just my imagination.

9. Human Connect to Human
This track reminds me of an Adam Lambert song. “For your Entertainment” or something. But the lyrics — ugh. Maybe it sounded better in their heads. Or in German. Heh.

10. Hey You
Oh that “We Will Rock You” clap-clap-stomp.

11. Love and Death
In this track, we listen to Bill Kaulitz attempt to pull a high note and some fengtao music action going on. I admit, I do enjoy this song. It’s nice to dance to. But at the same time, you can’t help but snicker.

12. Zoom into Me
A slow, piano track. A slow, piano but rather fail track lyrics-wise, sad to say.

This album isn’t an album I would play in my car. I can only stand to listen a few tracks without cringing at the lyrics. Most of the lyrics are basic English a 3 year old can understand. Maybe it sounded better in their heads. Which would most likely be in the German language.

Which I think it could sound better in German. They should release a German album instead – Bill would sound more natural and less textbook English.

I’d give it a 5 out of 10. But I’m still planning to go to the Tokio Hotel live show in KL in May HOHOHO.

On March 18, 2010, Japanese hip hop producer Seba Jun, or more commonly known as Nujabes, was publicly confirmed and announced dead by Hydeout Productions and collaborator and friend, Shing02. He died in a car crash on February 26, 2010 when he was leaving the Metropolitan Expressway in Minato-Ku, Tokyo.

He was 36 years old.

I first listened to Nujabes through Samurai Champloo. I was never really into hip hop but his music was calming, I love it. I still listen to him now.

I have to admit this – this is the first celebrity death that’s making me sick to my stomach. I’m not sure why the news is such a big impact to me. I’m not sure whether it’s because it’s him or the way he passed on. But to me, he was – and is – an amazing producer.

Rest in eternal peace, Seba Jun. You will be missed by all your family, friends and fans.

Article on NowPublic.com

Again, I have to thank Harinder (@lightyoruichi) for giving me a ticket to Placebo Live in KL at the very last minute. When I said last minute, I meant 4 or so hours before the show. And I didn’t have to pay a single cent.

I was kind of already accepting the fact that I won’t be going for the show due to financial constraints. But I guess the Big Man upstairs decided to cut me some slack and presented me this opportunity. Hehe.

Let me make it clear to everyone — I’m not a die hard ‘I-want-to-blow-Brian-Molko’ Placebo fan. I like their songs. I listened to them for the first time when I was what, 16 years old? Yeah, that sounds about right. The songs that got me hooked onto Placebo weren’t “Special K” or “Every You and Every Me”, but instead it was “Plasticine”, “Protect me from What I Want” and “Sleeping with Ghosts”. And prior to the concert, I haven’t heard their songs in ages.

I drove down to KL Life Center with Gan and Dusty and reached the place around 7.15PM. There was a line heading up to KL Live already (naturally). And I wondered to myself why a lot of these people dressed up for a concert we all know everyone’s just going to get sweaty and messed up. Then all Gan had to say was this:

People in KL go to concerts to be seen, not to see.

It was a quote from someone else but I can’t remember his name. But the truth was there.

I saw girls wearing high heels/goth boots with heels. Did they know they can seriously injure themselves and the people around them with those? How can you keep on standing up for two or so hours in those heels?

The three of us were in the middle of the mosh pit, rubbing shoulders with other fans — literally. The place was packed. I don’t think anyone has ever seen KL Live this packed. I for one have never been to the place before the Placebo live. But I didn’t think it could accommodate THAT many people.

TAG was the opening act. I couldn’t really get into their mixes that much because there was hardly room to move. So no, no dancing. They spinned a few old rock songs. I was really happy they tossed in a Sex Pistol track — “Anarchy in the UK” — but no one really realized it.

After what seemed like forever, the projector switched on and there was this burning ball of white light on the white screen on the stage. And you know the band walks out when everyone starts jumping. I’m short, I could barely see a thing from where I was standing. That is, if I just stood there. I jumped along with everyone, just to get a better view of the band.

I can’t, for the life of me, remember the setlist but still, Brian, Stefan and Steve were dope nonetheless. I was happy they played “Sleeping with Ghosts” — or better known as “Soulmates” in the live version — and “Song to Say Goodbye” but was a BIIIIT disappointed they didn’t play “Plasticine” and “Protect Me from What I Want”. But still, it was a really awesome show.

HIGHLIGHTS!

1) Brian Molko’s drenched with sweat shirt — makes you wonder if he sweats that much in other concerts, or the current South East Asian weather is not that forgiving.
2) STEFAN’S SHINY SILVER PANTS — and black mesh tank top. That man is flamingly gay, it’s adorable.
3) Brian Molko shoving Steve into the crowd. Bad, bad, Molko. The crowd had to be pushed back for security guys to pull Steve back up to safety. I think he was well violated in the 5 seconds he was down there.
4) Stefan’s white bass with the rhinestones. I thought that was very cute. Very girlfrieeeeeeeeend~.
5) Brian Molko’s cute smile/showing teeth thingy when he sings. Sangat-sangat comel.
6) Going to the live with 2 people, ended up bumping into 6 other people I know.
7) Malaysian moshers all kena schooled by one shirtless sweaty white man who came charging into the pit. You hit my arm and bruised me a little but HEY MAN YOU WERE COOL LOL!

Props go out to Fiona Brice, Bill Lloyd, and Nick Gavrilovic who backed up Placebo last night. They were dope as hell too despite the violin sounds getting drowned a little. But I heard it — because when you’re tired of jumping, you start swaying side to side with your head down and eyes closed and just feel the music. At least I do.

When the live finished, I was drenched from head to toe with sweat. My hair was wet like I just stepped out of the shower. I sustained a few bruises from bumping into people but not so bad I suppose. But I got pissed off because of the high-heels wearing girls. I got stabbed in the foot a few times with them. Yeah. Not exactly the concert injury I was looking for.

For the record, you don’t dress up to go to a rock concert. Especially if you’re going to be standing right in the middle of the pit. When people bump into you and you fall because you’re wearing inappropriate footwear, don’t give them the cock stare – it’s your own fault.

I don’t have photos because my phone died even before the show started. YES I KNOW I FAIL. So no. No photos of hot sweaty Brian Molko. I also sadface la.

The difference between a kid and an adult is a kid wouldn’t apologize when he knows he’s wrong, and an adult would apologize even if he’s not wrong.

Imaoka Kyotaro (Sapuri)

At the same time I am job hunting, I figured I should at least try to enjoy some time off the workforce. Although it’s really boring, having this much time on my hands and nothing more than waiting for an interview call. I spend some times catching up on Japanese dramas I kind of forgot to watch before when it first came out.

The shows I’ve been watching were:

• ごくせん３ (Gokusen 3)

• 花よりだんご２ (Hana Yori Dango 2/Boys over Flowers 2)
• ライフ (Life)
• 誰よりもママを愛す (Dare Yori mo Mama o Aisu/The One Who Loves Mama the Most)
• １４才の母 (14 Sai no Haha/14 year old Mother)
• 結婚できない男 (Kekkon Dekinai Otoko/ The Guy who can’t Get Married)
• サプリ (Sapuri/Supplement)

Five years ago, I never thought any of these dramas would have any effect on me. I never found it profound or life-changing. I never really learned anything from watching any of those dramas back then. I just watched it and took it as entertainment, escapism. But now that I’m out of the workforce, I’ve been feeling down. More depressed than I’ve ever felt in my life. I still watch these shows as a form of escapism — “why can’t life turn out good like that?” I keep asking myself that.

But no matter how much I wish, it’ll never come true. So I’ve decided to see the lessons behind the shows instead.

Watching Sapuri today was a little bit more…moving. I see a lot of myself in Kamenashi Kazuya’s character, Yuya. Yuya’s indecisive — he couldn’t stick to one part time job and everything he tries, he doesn’t see it through. That is, until he joined an advertising agency. He decided to stick to that one industry. Why?

People listened to him. People complimented him.

But in the end, he couldn’t officially join the agency due to his lack of experience in the field. And not just inexperienced in the workforce, but also as an adult.

Watching the show makes me realize how much adults are in denial with the pretense of being “strong” and “putting up with it”. Always putting up that cool, dependable act when they themselves in truth cannot handle the stress of being strong. Adults are expected to understand everything.

But here’s the thing: no matter how ‘adult’ you are, you’re still human. You can’t save the world.

Then I come to realize that it’s okay if you can’t handle or understand everything in the world even when your age reaches adulthood. Life, after all, is a learning process and it’s fine to make mistakes. A lot of people will give you hell when you screw up, but that’s really because they forget their own misses. Or they choose to forget to seem like the more superior person.

But remember that it’s okay to make mistakes. By all means, continue making them.

At 23 years of age, I admit that I am still a child. I still have a lot to learn about the world. I am trying to be a more dependable person and a stronger person, but not one who is in denial. I admit to falling down, scraping my knees and cry about it. It hurts, therefore it’s a natural response to cry. But when I’m ready, I will stand up on my own again.

I’ll keep on tripping. I’ll cry even more in the future. Because that scrape on the knee is a battle scar reminding me that I am still human and I make mistakes and I am still learning to walk my own path in life.

Right now I’ve tripped. My knees are scraped. I have blood coming out. I am crying. But at the same time, I’m looking for that cotton, antiseptic and band-aid to put on and get back up. I’ll be limping, but I’ll be fine. I just need a little bit of time.

I am Lina Halim. I am 23 years old. I am one of Life’s children. Even if I’m 50 years old, I am still a child. I’m no longer going to pretend that I am 100% strong and 100% independent. I still need my family, I still need my friends to cheer me on and I will cheer them on.

Who says you can’t learn anything from watching dramas with pretty boys in it? :p

I admit, as emo and bummed out as I always seem to be, I had loads of friends growing up. Friends I used to play with in kindergarten, skip class with in primary school, fought with in secondary school, studied together in university and worked together at the office. But I have a handful I can call my best friends.

I never believed that you can only have ONE best friend. I have almost 10 best friends.

But I’m being the bad friend — I hardly ever keep in touch with them.

I see them leading good lives, doing the things they love and being in places they want to be in. It makes me happy, yes, but I couldn’t help but a little envious. Above all, I’m just really happy for them. I just wish we spent more time together.

My oldest best friend has to be the one in primary school. She moved here from Texas when we were 9 and we were in the same class. She’s a Malaysian who lived in the States. When we were 12, we argued about something really trivial. We stopped talking for a year until we went to secondary school. We became best friends again.

But when we were 15, in Form 3, she had to move away – back to the States.

Yeah I was bummed out of course. Extremely bummed out. But she had to go.

When she moved away, we hardly talked online. Time difference, being busy, everything.

8 years passed since she moved away. She’s still the same girl I grew up with, but at the same time, she changed. The short conversations we have online are valuable to me. Sometimes I can’t believe that I’m having a conversation with her over a few particular topics.

But time passed. People change – sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. Maybe I’m the only one standing still.

It’s not always my fault. So back off.

No matter what happens, I’m not about to give up.

Maybe to some people I am giving off the aura that I don’t give a shit about my life anymore. But the truth is, I’m trying as hard as I can. I’m just really really exhausted thinking about it. But rest assured, I am trying. I don’t see that many people anymore. I hardly even talk to my friends anymore.

I’m beginning to wonder if they still see me as friends.

I’m crying a lot, I’ll admit to that. But I like to tell myself that crying is not a sign of weakness. Crying is only a sign of weakness if you don’t wipe it off and get back on your feet.

Let me cry for a bit. I’ll pick myself up in a few minutes.

I’m in one of the darkest moments in my life. Excuse me while I find the right lightbulb to light up the place.

今、私はがんばるよ。苦しいでも、辛いでも。ぜったいに負けない。
時々泣いてるけど。。。でも、すぐに立ってるよ。自分の戦うだから。

I spent the whole night watching all eleven episodes of Life – a Japanese high school drama that centers around bullying, rape, suicide, expectations and manipulation. And I thought Friday Night Lights was a profound high school series.

The story begins with Shiiba Ayumu – an average girl who has a best friend in middle school. Her best friend, Shinozuka Yuko, dreams of going to a prestigious high school. Not wanting to be separated, Ayumu asks Yuko to help her study for the entrance exam to the school so they can go together. Study, study, study and they sit for the exam. Ayumu passes the exam, Yuko didn’t. Devastated, Yuko blames Ayumu for her failing to enter the school and attempts suicide and also cuts off her connection with Ayumu.

Ayumu enters this new school all depressed and lonely. Enter popular girl Anzai Manami – sweet, popular, rich with a smart and equally as rich boyfriend named Sako Katsumi. Ayumu feels more and more accepted until one day, a girl in their group becomes a target of Manami’s bullying.

Life got me so riled up that I had to stop halfway and take a shower. I was shaking in anger that I was sweating and was forced to take a cold shower at midnight. And no, I’m not even exaggerating. I was truly and entirely pissed off.

It wasn’t that I was angry that the story was a horrible story. It was a pretty much predictable story – just like any Japanese drama. And the lines, I admit, were cheesy and corny. But I said it once before — it’s cheesy and corny because it’s true. Not that no other drama has ever talked about bullying and all that sort – there are a bunch of them, I’m sure. But Life took it to the very extreme. And when they took it to the extreme, you can’t help but know that it could possibly happen in the school in your neighborhood.

What got me hooked on this drama was really the fact that they didn’t just center around the students being bullied, but also a teacher being bullied by other teachers.

Okay actually you know what- let’s just list down what were the themes of the story:
1) Bullying
2) Abuse
3) Rape
4) Suicide
5) Homicide
6) That Forbidden Student-Teacher Relationship
7) High expectations

And maybe there were others but these were what I gathered.

I believe that the story’s character development was well laid out. Not awesome, but properly laid out.

Take Sako Katsumi’s character for one – he is the son of a very rich man who has a cute and rich girlfriend. He is smart and perceived as kind by his schoolmates. He gets first place in his grade every time because his father expects that from him.

But the only reason why he was with Manami in the first place was because of his father whose business is backed by her father.
The only reason why Katsumi excels in his studies – his father.

Otherwise, his father beats him up.

And slowly as the story progresses, you can see his sanity level hitting rock bottom. You can’t help but hate him A LOT. I did. I wished that he would die. But at the same time, I was sorry for him. Because of all the high expectations, he just snapped. It’s sad really.

Life was based on a manga series. I haven’t gotten my hands on it yet but if the drama is already this intense, I’m starting to wonder how the manga would be like.

The story plays out like a vicious cycle – Manami bullies, and she gets bullied in the end with her schoolmates “taking revenge”.

You just stop deciding whose side you’re on.

And you start to wonder if genuine good people can ever survive in the world. J-dramas are supposed to teach you good values so of course, good triumphs over evil. But in the real world? Maybe we all have to pull a Manami once in a while.